Long live the Queen!

So! I have hesitated to even begin describing the hell-dream that was the Queen's Birthday celebration. My chief concern is that I could be put in jail for five years for saying the things that must be said, but it's also just a matter of reluctance at the thought of reliving the awful ordeal.

In some ways, we planned our entire trip around the Queen. We knew we wanted to go south first, and then head back north in time to be in Bangkok for her big day, and then finally proceed up into the far northern areas of Thailand, where a lot of the things to see are actually located. And of course as I've mentioned, all the ten days prior to the grand event, we grew more and more excited, buzzed by the millions of posters, flower displays, banners, streamers and general hullabaloo in every tiniest town along the way. I'm telling you, these people really love their queen! We felt that if they went to all this for just the lead-up, my god! We were certain to be in for a party of the century, and would both get to see our first real live in-the-flesh person of royalty when the Queen made her thankful address to her adoring masses. As I think I've already mentioned, we carefully parcelled our clothes so to be sure our blue blouses would be pressed and ready to display our bodily love of the blessed Mother on her special day. Everything was falling into place, perfectly.

We killed a whole day in Bangkok, freshening ourselves with another mostly painful Thai massage, and waiting around for the parade to begin. It wasn't hard to find the huge boulevard, all sectioned off and ready for the grand palace floats, and we took our seats on the curb to observe all the action close-up. Would we really be seeing her this soon? In the parade? Or maybe at whatever destination the procession would lead us to? We were giddy and eager to say the least.

Finally we made out, way down the long winding road the beginning of the marchers, a 20 piece band, oh my! This thing was really starting out with a bang. But then, what's this, the rest of the parade, as it trickled ever nearer, was no more than mob after mob of trudging, bored middle-school age children, limply waving their paper flags. Well, the parade must just be the way of getting to the event! So, we hopped amongst their ranks and scooted on down the road for about a mile, until we came upon the festival grounds. Three huge stages all set up, carnival food, a hundred thousand people or more, not quite as giddy as us, but they must see her every year at this time we rationalized. We sat down to wait, declining the giant plastic sheet of factory energy drink labels everyone was selling and buying and sitting on.

It got dark, things started to happen. Little yellow candles were passed out for free by a million hard-working boyscouts. We'd light them in her honor all at once at the exact minute of her birth! Or so I guessed. We moved closer to the main stage, which was lined with a couple hundred men and women in fancy suits and blazers, ladies and dukes of the court I supposed, passing the fleets of workers decked out in blue versions of their uniforms. Blue nurses. Blue sanitation workers! And all huddled together like gangs and perfectly matching.

At last, it was happening! The music began, a shrill, ghostly howling from someplace on the stage, the spotlight shone on the towering portrait of the queen, and all the royal court-people turned to gaze lovingly at her massive and purple-lipped visage.

We lit the candles! It was windy so they kept blowing out, but we were frantic and kept them going. All steady! The birthday song began!

Any minute now! From the top of the bleachers, oh! She'll come cascading down in the royalest blue gown, of course! Yes! Can you see her? Is that her they're looking at there!? Is that her singing? It must be!

And then, boom boom BOOM! The sky erupted in a hurricane of fireworks and dazzlers!

And then, they ended.

And then, like a well-flushing toilet, the crowds, the hoards of admirers scattered, were gone. We were alone in an empty field, shivering, alone, without our queen and without a trickle of love left in our expended hearts. I tried to calm Kyle down, but he couldn't hear me. He couldn't hear anything anymore. He sobbed silently, his eyes fogged over beyond any seeing. We slept in a gutter, and the rats ate my hair. I'm totally bald. And all because the puffy bitch stood us up.